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And Now I Want To Cut Off My Hands

My therapist told me to see where my feelings felt in my body.   The majority of my feelings are in my stomach but there’s this new one now, in my chest. I can see this feeling in my mind’s eye.   It looks like a 1920’s comic book panel of a cigar-chomping, bald, gangster guy with his arm whipping around led by balled fist heading towards a target we cannot see because it’s on the next panel.   I refuse to look at that next panel.   The gangster guy’s face is all scrunched up and red with anger.   You know whomever is going to be on the receiving end of that fist will regret not running faster. The feeling also looks like a beautiful butterfly that I found and put into a jar.   I can’t really describe it, but the butterfly has this ‘citrus-glow’ that burns from its within.   Nobody has ever seen a butterfly with this sort of effect, so they are drawn to it.   It also has this weird, tiered wing structure that makes it so much more than what it ever was supposed to
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I called a friend last night and i was walking and he was also walking except he was walking in the nighttime and i was walking in the day.  He was walking past a cemetery when I called him, "feeling sorry for myself" he said.  I wasn't walking past a cemetery and i wasn't feeling sorry for myself (for once) and i sympathized with him because that's what friends do.  He was on his way to a bar and later revealed he detoured the bar just to talk to me.   Flattery will get you everywhere. He was loud on the phone and the night was loud behind him.  I pictured him bundled in a coat, walking against the wind even though it's summer where he's at and I heard zero wind.  In my mind he looked good.  Like the last time I saw him. It was windy where I was.  I tried to talk louder. Hold the mic closer.  I had no coat on.   We caught up on life as we do.  At one point he yelled at me to do a certain something.  It didn't feel good but I knew he was ri
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Happy Birthday To Me

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Today is my birthday but i dont care. I am just sad about it although everything in my drunken body tells me to be happy and embrace my age because if you dont age that means you have died. I am not dead. I am very alive. but still.... My age, when said out loud, is depressing.  But not as depressing as it will sound one year from today...out loud or not.  oh well. like i said...the alternative... i got two amazing gifts and one lolthisismygift-gift, that i understand why the gift was given but in comparison to the other gifts and who gave them, makes it seem like an lol gift even thought it was a well intentioned gift.  ( i dont keep 'points' for gifts but it's still funny given the other gifts) gifts gifts gifts i've been into this drink the last few weekends.  cucumber vodka with fresh blended up watermelon and lime juice.  too bad watermelon chunks dont really 'catch' in a blender. you sort of have to push them down with a ladle and hit the bu
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Rusty

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Kombucha. What is that shit? My 2017 resolution is to not drink any Kombucha. Doing pretty good so far. I stayed out late on Friday and now I’m sick. Well, to be clear, I ate a Moons Over My Hammy at Denny’s at 2:25 am and then walked about a mile home in ‘almost raining weather’ because when you’re still probably drunk and home seems too close to call an Uber, you decide to walk even though you’re wearing heels. Do you know how fun it is to order a “Moons Over My Hammy” at Denny’s? So fun. The overnight wait staff at Denny’s look like hostages.   Anyway, I walked home in the cold without a jacket and eventually I became barefoot on the cold wet pavement. So, my sick could have something to do with that.   Needless to say, I pretty much skipped New Year’s Eve. Was in bed by 11:00.   Go me. I watched a lot of movies this weekend. Binge watched The OA. Wtf with the ending? Still debating what happened. KNEW the movements were choreographed by the Sia guy even befor
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Lemonade

Hi Casey, I’m sorry I haven’t written in so long. I’ve been running and running since I got back from P.S. and I haven’t really stopped. Ow, my legs.   How was your Thanksgiving? I had Steaksgiving.   There was lots of meat. Did I tell you this already?   I don’t know. I’m old and befuddled. How’s T.F.P. coming? (avoiding releasing any spoilers)   I’m feeling good about what I’m doing with M. I have some goals. I feel I am working towards meeting them. Maybe 2017 will be the year I finish my novel. AGAIN. No. It WILL be the year I finish my novel.   AND sell it. MOTHERFUCKER. I’m trying to figure out if all this fat on my stomach is a baby or not. I squeeze it and it seems pretty solidly fat.   No room for an infant.   Time will tell, I guess.   It could be that I’m just waiting around to discover I’m simply overweight.   I guess I will ‘do better’ with my body starting soon. New year, new beginnings, and what not.   Cliché, but hey. Well, it’s the end times of a not gre
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Writing Like a "Normal Person"

Yesterday I had a “work lunch” in a restaurant like a normal person.   I ordered a Cobb Salad but this was a ‘fancy style’ one and it had steak and balsamic vinaigrette. Balsamic vinaigrette seems wrong to put on a Cobb salad so I decided to swap it out for Bleu Cheese dressing so when the lady took my order I said, ‘Oh, and can I have a side of Bleu cheese please?”   She said yes and I felt happy about my forthcoming lunch and continued talking with my boss and coworkers like a normal person. My salad came and it looked nice.   Then the lady set down a little silver container of Bleu cheese crumbles.   Hmph , I thought, staring at the little silver container of Bleu cheese crumbles while the rest of the plates were placed on the table.   It was then I realized that I hadn’t quite made myself clear when asking for a side of “Bleu Cheese”.   In my head, I felt I’d implied the dressing ‘swap’ from Balsamic vinaigrette to Bleu cheese but if I put myself on the receiving end of our ex
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