Quick Story

I'm on this no carb diet thing and I'm being really good, drinking tons of water, exercising, meal-prepping, etc.  Part of the eating a better me routine is MCT oil. I put it in my coffee.  I used to do MCT oil a ways back but I ran out and didn't replenish but it made me not so hungry in the mornings so I bought some off Amazon and "started back into it."

Part of the MCT oil thing is–-if your body isn't used to it--it gives you really urgent diarrhea.  You have to start off with small amounts and then slowly increase it so you don't get the shits.

Last weekend I had to go to a wedding.  I had too much MCT oil in the morning and got the urgent shits.  Pretty much it comes out as pure liquid, like you're peeing out your butt.  I was home most of the morning so it was fine but it was a strong reminder to go easier on the MCT oil moving forward.

I got ready for the wedding at around 1.  I took a shower, put on my makeup, did my hair, squeezed into my Spanx and put on my fancy pants and fancy blouse and slipped into my heels and looked pretty presentable.

I had about ten minutes to go before I had to hit the road to get to the wedding on time. (It was sort of far away.)  I decided to sign the card and get the gift in order.  As I walked through my living room I felt a tiny air bubble of flatulence present itself.  It felt small, pea-sized and 'cute' in nature, as if this fart would hold a smiley face when it came out.  It felt harmless.  I gave a little push to help it out and I completely shit myself.

It was not a fart at all but the water-poo from the morning.  I was completely deceived.  In that moment that probably was the span of one second, many things happened.

Here are my thoughts, in order, during that moment:

-OMG I JUST SHIT MYSELF.
-OMG I JUST SHIT INTO MY SPANX.
-HOLY SHIT THIS IS THE ONLY WEDDING OUTFIT YOU HAVE PULL YOUR PANTS DOWN NOW BECAUSE FOR THIS NANO-SECOND MAYBE YOUR SPANX WILL HOLD ALL THE POO-WATER IN AND IT WON'T GET ONTO YOUR FANCY WEDDING PANTS.


I pushed down my pants so they were around my ankles.  The fancy, dressy, flowy black (thank god) pants.  Luckily I was alone, at home, and could step out of my dress-pants, and fast-walk/shuffle in my shit-spanx to the shower, step inside and pull the Spanx down.  (Yeah, i KNOW! I know! But i didn't see any other option!!)

Suffice it to say, it wasn't a pleasant experience.

I cleaned up then cleaned up everything else as best I could. (remember, the clock is ticking...I had a long drive and a wedding to get to)  I (thank God!) had another pair of Spanx I could change into and then....I had to go back to my pants to see if there was any damage.  I knew if there was, I couldn't go to the wedding.  I had nothing else to wear. I would have to say, 'sorry i didnt show up at your wedding, I shit my pants. But, congratulations!'.

I picked up the pants and lifted them up by the waistband, high,  in a style similar to how anthony michael hall held up Molly Ringwald's panties in Sixteen Candles.

No visible stains.

Now, the smell test........

I braced myself.....

NOTHING!

Whew!  The day was saved!

I put them back on, got in the car and drove to the wedding.  All the while reminding myself to trust no farts.


Follow up notes:
-I bleached out the shower.
-This story....to me...is completely embarrassing but fucking HYSTERICAL so that's why I'm telling you.  Because funny trumps embarrassing every time! Plus, there's nothing like a good shitting-yourself story...ammirite?? :-)






















Comments

Bianca said…
I never experienced this but my mother has. And you're right: funny does trump embarrassing! Great writing.

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