MOVIE REVIEW: Crimson Peak

Crimson Peak is a movie I wanted to watch last night and so I did.  It started at 5:25 so I had to sneak out of work ten minutes early so I could speed to the theater and get there in enough time to park and then get to my seat. 

I barely made it.

I really should’ve anticipated LA traffic on a Friday and left 15 minutes early instead of just 10 minutes early.  I almost got into four car accidents rushing to be on time to see this movie.  It was pretty scary.  But I made it there safely!

SPOILER ALERTS!

Crimson Peak is a movie about a giant English mansion that is set on a high peak.  The peak is crimson.  Hence, Crimson Peak.  Clever!

The peak is only crimson when it snows.  Turns out the peak is made of solid blood and when the blood gets cold it turns red and starts seeping out into the snow so the snow looks all bloody.  It is ‘snow-activated blood earth’, basically.  You don’t find this out until halfway through the movie so I’m saving you time right now.

The mansion’s name in this movie is Adderall, which I thought was a weird choice.  We follow Adderall’s journey from England to America and back again.  In America the mansion gets married to a white woman who wants to be a writer.  The mansion promises her many rooms to write in back in England at the top of Crimson Peak so she goes because the mansion also promises her a typewriter in every room and no writer can resist THAT!

When Adderall and the white girl return to England and Crimson Peak, that’s when we find out it has a grumpy sister mansion named Goldthwait.  The sister mansion keeps coming by to visit and to make tea for everyone which seems to annoy Adderall who just wants to be alone with his new white wife.  And it annoys the new white wife because she wants to write in all the rooms of the mansion but she’s being forced to drink tea every minute.  You can tell the sister mansion is jealous for some reason. She also starts playing the piano every minute that she’s not making tea.

The movie is a relationship struggle between the two sibling mansions and the white wife and endless tea making.  The white wife frequently wakes up to find herself lying on top of Crimson Peak, alone. Just like, on the ground.  This is because her husband mansion has unexpectedly gone to visit Goldthwait on her own peak, leaving her alone and without shelter.  It was not what she thought she signed up for. And how is she supposed to write when he’s off visiting his sister? She’s just on the ground!

It hits a level of intolerance for her when winter comes and she wakes up alone in bloody snow because of the cold-activated blood earth and it freaks her out.  She goes running through the blood-snow to Goldwaith’s peak, in search of her husband (because she knows he’s always disappearing to there) and LO AND BEHOLD she finds the two sibling mansions mid-coitus!!!! 

She’s all like, WHAT THE FUCK?!  And runs back to Crimson Peak where she takes a knife and adds her own blood to the snow blood.  Adderall runs back to try to explain (ummm…..) and finds his white wife dead against the red of the snow.  The movie ends in an aerial shot that zooms out as we see Adderall sobbing over the body of his white wife, lying in an endless field of bloodsnow. 


I wanted to be scared when I watched this movie but I was not.  Going into this, I didn’t know that the scariest part about this movie would be my drive to go see this movie.  Plus, the mansions were horrible actors and the white wife barely had any dialogue.  I don’t know what Guillermo del Toro was thinking.  Anyway.  ZERO stars!




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