If you are a lifetime reader of my blog you might remember 15 or so (!!!) years ago I was in love with a beautiful boy named Austin who worked at my local Trader Joes. I remember trying to sneak pictures of him BEFORE phones had cameras in order to share with you. I remember the flutter in my heart whenever I saw he was working. The skip of my pulse when I'd get in his checkout line and he'd flash me that brown-eyed smile. How I'd fantasize about running my hands over his so smooth-looking tan skin. How I'd stand there school-girled knowing I probably could've been his mother had I gotten recess-pregnant, abortion-afraid. How he made my trips to Trader Joes an adventure and a highlight whenever he was there. Sigh.
And then he wasn't there.
And then he was forgotten.
Until today. When I pushed my cart into the shortest line at Trader Joes. Until this beautiful boy man greeted me hello with a brown-eyed smile and how I smiled back with my own. And I knew…
I have the same fucking resolutions so tuck them in, pull the sheet up to that warm space under chin, kiss foreheads and take a mallet and wallop until you need to clean the walls.
I just want to be a better version of myself in 2018. I want to level up. I want to shed as much bullshit that does not serve me as possible. I want to put my money where my mouth is. I want to write another book. I want to sell a fucking book. I want to hit my Goodreads reading challenge for once. I want to eat all the unused gluten and buy recreational marijuana. I want to be what the picture of this lion is:
In an attempt to remember who I used to be, here are two poems.
You Are The Morning Quiet
Where there are pots and pans hands, you are not. The loud frightens. Its ugly, a thorn. Between the clangs and bangs your soft slips in. Your still, a reckoning of peace of home Brown flashes tendriled bright I wait for each one
High Hopes There is a shuffle in my heart it skips warm then chokes a snake mid eat on a thing it th…