February 15, 2015
I was asked to submit a weird story for this collection and so I did. It's all about a gunt:
I have a lot of shit things in my purse detailed here:
I wrote a poem. It felt really good to write this poem.
Dark Fucking Wizard
I was interviewed:
January 14, 2015
Hi. How are you question mark. I know that $75 check wasn’t enough. My plan is to write you 5 more checks for $100 each every other week. With this method I will pay you back. How are your hips? Have you electrocuted yourself again? You know, the more I think about it, I think it’s bullshit. You’re Life Alert shouldn’t have malfunctioned and stopped your heart. I know you were going to talk to your doctor about it so I guess just let me know what he/she says. I mean, I’m pretty sure your heart had that problem because of when your only sibling died last year but if you REALLY think your Life Alert electrocuted you, well, you go ahead and stick with that story. I love you. Check’s in the mail.
The Artist Is Present.
I want to go to a circular bar that rotates and has a view while it circulates.
Sheldon Lee Compton asked me some questions for Enclave. They are Chaos Questions. It’s all over HERE.
I am not eating sugar. I am eating vodka and vegetables. And meats that start with the letter C. JK.
The word, “bush”.
We are in the smallest circle. I swallow into your black t-shirts and freckles. How there is a tightening. A bringing together of US. (capital letters). Where is the right side up? I can’t smell you in my sleep. The backs of black Ubers and the royalty of two feet apart. Can you see the three feet before my dreams? You would like it.
I don’t know how to right click save as with a MacBook Air.
December 29, 2014
This year was a ride-along. A sidecar. It was also mine. Alone.
It was both.
There are three things I will remember most about this year. One of them is how it feels to be hooked to a comet. How it feels to ride alongside an ascension. Here, let me tell you: the ride ecstatic, full of thrill and pride. Full of I Knew This All Along and Here It Is. It is the most special with a light shined upon it and relishing how it stuns, this accolade avalanche you had anticipated like an apocalypse. But nothing can prepare you for being backstage, the applause on the wider side of the curtain. Behind the red you see its seams, its patches. There are men sweated with rigging, a wire-split palm silk-soaked in blood against it, the boiling chaos of too many duties, needs. All of it wearing on the performer. It’s that yin-yang symbol, an embrace fit of both. The ride is joy and it is helplessness, but you are glad to take it as you could never be anywhere else.
Another thing I will remember about this year is how blind faith works. How all along I didn’t know I had been training for a race I was always meant to run and when I realized I was running it, not knowing if there would ever be an end. Not knowing when and if I ever found that end there would be accolades or a cliff’s edge red-carpeting an abyss for me to fall into. Yet, I ran. Four years. I ran on faith and the beating drum of good friends. It was so hard, you guys. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Running on pure faith, believing in a finish line, in a participation medal—not even a prize, just an end to the punishing test of a journey. I broke down crying the day I snapped that tape. I collapsed in a closet with the weight of it; my hands and knees on the bliss of the pavement. I braced myself for the abyss, but the crowd has gathered around me and all I can hear is applause. I am worn, but I am relieved.
The last thing I will remember about this year is how I found a place that lived inside of me that I never knew existed. It was there all along, covered with a simple cloth. An idiot’s hiding spot. How that place became exposed, challenged. How it continues to be tested. A place plucked from my soul with two hands strong around its neck, lifting it Simba-style until it sat framed in front of the sun. Its not-yet skin tender and scared, but excited in its existence. There is a rebirth in tasting air for the first time, in having that star’s heat sear your layers for the first time. I learned how it feels to be brought back to life, how to look at hard things, how to learn to walk again. This year I have been set upon yet another path and while frightening, I have learned to cling to blind faith in the hope that wherever it takes me will be the way I am meant to go, regardless of what waits at the finish line.
November 22, 2014
You are not a viper but you play one
in my heart
ive not known many men. In theory ive known hundreds, thousands, all grossed, rotten and boored. All vile. All of my choosing, so vulgar. How I become what I believe myself to be
the thrill of their ugly: how they grasp. So desperate. Like my skin can grant them peace, my tits and cunt able to quiet the echo of their father’s endless insults. Such intensity. That’s how they come at me. That’s how I love.
There’s a change but
there is not.
It’s a wavering. Handholds appear and I climb. So much promise up top. A shouting down. “You can do it!” The crevasse is black and the voice encouraging. A glimpse of warm sunlight so I climb.
If your feet fill with jiggers, I will be there to scrape them. Pull over on the highway when the screams get too loud. Send me a beacon and I will come with my scalpel. If you give permission I will drag you from the car and lay you down on wet grass. I will call the villagers to watch. They must learn how to save
themselves should this scourge come again.
Your first foot in my lap and I scrape. The thick skin falls away in small, crusted flaps. I am an old man on a porch eating an apple with a knife, but these peels I do not put into my mouth. They fall to the grass, mounding, yellow-brown.
I scrape the jiggers while you moan. It gets my dick hard. I adjust your foot so you can feel it but you are too lost in your suffering. There is a whisper-barrier between pleasure and pain and the sounds that come from both are twins.
I cut the covers from the jiggers dens where they have buried themselves in your skin—their new home. They come out white or black or green and I wipe them away. Your foot becomes cratered and when it is emptied of jiggers, I take the other, begin more work. The villagers stand circle above us; a sunflower.
This is gross but this is love.
Your moans clench my heart.
Many years later, six old whores I fooled into loving me circle my deathbed waiting to see who will get what. I sink into death’s warm calling gazing up at the circle, now villagers, your foot in my lap, your moans soothing my transition.
I take the sound of you to my grave.
November 13, 2014
Do you know the heat off me? I want a rubbing. There is a clandestine. It shimmers inside me. I can fill a vase with it. A cabinet.
This week, a warp. I don’t know where it went. How it got swallowed. All I know is that it happened and it was real. Tangible in the meat of my thighs. The cripple of my walk. The new waitings. A giant bottle of wine losing its full.
This is how you come down.
This is how you shade things away. A hand covering eyes.
I am not sure where I am, where I want to be. Nor do you. It’s a guessing game. Who put me in the circle? I am in the circle. Where and why the circle?
Momma, be proud of me? You proud of me momma? Yer daughter. Here she is. There she’s going. Love me momma. Prouda me momma.
Cordial your daughter in your wings. She misses you. Misses unfeeling. Let her float, momma. Let her free.
Let her know how, the end.
Let her know how, the end.
November 10, 2014
The house is as quiet as it wants to be and it wants to be very quiet. It mimics the outside where the zombie apocalypse has taken place. Nothing out there but dead people and dead leaves. Everything wet and gray but shellacked with a fine, crystal finish. There’s a shine to it that reflects the sun. The silent outside makes the inside that much quieter. I am a bull inside its china shop. I stomp around in my slippers.
I cannot make breakfast in the quiet. After many phone calls they arrive. I buzz them in; singularly and in groups. I show them into the living room, kitchen, dining room and ask them to get comfortable. They begin their warm-ups. Guitars, harmonicas, and horns fill the house. I sigh, relieved there is noise.
I tell them to begin when they are ready. Show them the corner they can play in. I set up a few chairs so they can play sitting down if they want. I tell them to work out amongst themselves who will play first and who will play next and so on. One of the men tells me, “The Blues are patient and kind. We’ll all get up there. Don’t you worry.” It makes me smile.
As the music starts I begin making breakfast. I pull random things from the refrigerator and set them on the counter. The pile begins to look like ‘a scramble’. I get to chopping.
The Blues are sad but happy. The music comes upbeat and deceiving while the words dig a melon baller into my heart. Every song tells me one of my truths. The living room and dining area are a sea of brown heads bobbing, shoulders swaying, eyes closed and open. Nobody is watching me make breakfast. There is a bedroom down the hall with its door open. All I can think is, “I hope the music is reaching back there.”
The chopped things go into the pan and it sizzles so loud like it’s pissed off. Like it hates the Blues. An old black woman, beautiful in a midnight blue dress, holding a short glass with dark liquid is singing “Let’s go ahead and fall in love, I need a little sugar in my bowl, and plump juicy frank on my hot dog roll, bring a little spackling you can fill my hole, Let’s go ahead and fall in love.” I stick my finger into the middle of the pan until I scream. I’m so happy.
I crack the eggs while the musicians sing, finish and switch. New ones arrive, old ones leave. There is a fine layer of cigarette smoke pooling against the ceiling that I want to walk through. I open the door to the balcony and the players and their smoke spill outside infecting its quiet with their song. Fuck the zombie apocalypse. We have the Blues.
I pour the eggs onto the chopped, silencing its hissing. I put some bread into a
machine that will turn it into toast. I ready plates. I hum the Blues.
The house is in full swing now. I can barely remember the quiet I woke up with. How it made me feel so large. A noise King. A Godzilla wrecking the house with my slippered footsteps. I am microscopic now. A mute’s orgasm underneath slide guitar and jangly piano. It feels safe. I think about the back bedroom. About blankets wrapped around a head. It takes all of me not to run down the hall and rip the blankets off that head, pound the pillows with my fists yelling, CAN YOU HEAR THE BLUES? CAN YOU HEAR THEM?! But I don’t. I am making breakfast for that head. That head I will wake with a gentle shaking. That head will hear the Blues shortly. I must be patient and kind, I tell myself, like the Blues.