If you are a lifetime reader of my blog you might remember 15 or so (!!!) years ago I was in love with a beautiful boy named Austin who worked at my local Trader Joes. I remember trying to sneak pictures of him BEFORE phones had cameras in order to share with you. I remember the flutter in my heart whenever I saw he was working. The skip of my pulse when I'd get in his checkout line and he'd flash me that brown-eyed smile. How I'd fantasize about running my hands over his so smooth-looking tan skin. How I'd stand there school-girled knowing I probably could've been his mother had I gotten recess-pregnant, abortion-afraid. How he made my trips to Trader Joes an adventure and a highlight whenever he was there. Sigh.
And then he wasn't there.
And then he was forgotten.
Until today. When I pushed my cart into the shortest line at Trader Joes. Until this beautiful boy man greeted me hello with a brown-eyed smile and how I smiled back with my own. And I knew…
A heart’s radius of less than three feet at all times for forty-six and one half perfect hours.
It’s black rooms, black shirts, black couches, black skin and black cars.
It’s gin, green beans, Gerber daisies, Nebraska license plates, car songs, burgers and the jarring fresh scent of Eucalyptus.
It’s honesty and trust and laughter and fear.
It’s tremendous weight and chandelier quiet.
It’s the world slipping away or shrinking or both.
It’s being forcibly crowned, fight-wrestling with its gold and diamonds, then letting it sit on your head despite its uncomfortable press.
It’s not having enough gratitude.
It’s traversing the same paths so many times it becomes a Groundhog’s Day.
It’s heart-shaped Bougainvillea hanging onto concrete, shaped against dirt.
It’s them winning,
then both of you
I have the same fucking resolutions so tuck them in, pull the sheet up to that warm space under chin, kiss foreheads and take a mallet and wallop until you need to clean the walls.
I just want to be a better version of myself in 2018. I want to level up. I want to shed as much bullshit that does not serve me as possible. I want to put my money where my mouth is. I want to write another book. I want to sell a fucking book. I want to hit my Goodreads reading challenge for once. I want to eat all the unused gluten and buy recreational marijuana. I want to be what the picture of this lion is:
In an attempt to remember who I used to be, here are two poems.
You Are The Morning Quiet
Where there are pots and pans hands, you are not. The loud frightens. Its ugly, a thorn. Between the clangs and bangs your soft slips in. Your still, a reckoning of peace of home Brown flashes tendriled bright I wait for each one
High Hopes There is a shuffle in my heart it skips warm then chokes a snake mid eat on a thing it th…